WHO AM I?! WHAT AM I?! WHERE AM I?! I can't find myself. Where am i. *lost* where am i... where am i..... who am i.... i really do not know anymore... i feel so lost... so tired..... *sigh* What is it with life and the shit that it presents?!?! Why.... why.... all the questions.... no answers.... hope...... but no chance of reaching it.... dreams.... so so far away..... wishes.... lost in a dump..... gone.... trapped in myself.... i want to get out....i just want to get out.. want to be back where i was a year ago.... to be with the friends who are now going seperate ways..... be back to who i was..... where i know my name.... know myself....... know where i was....... lost... so lost..... ARGH!!!! Why!? Why?! WHY!?!?!?! why does life have to change. I know it does.... but i do not like it.... knowing does not mean you have to accept it.... I don't want to accept it...... i will probably be trapped forever if it were the case.... who cares?... i don't want to accept it..... leave me alone! Don't want... just don't want anymore.
*smile*
*frown*
*found*
*lost*
"Hi! I am Sara"
"Hi! How are you?"
"Hi! i am fine thank you"
All the lies. All the pretence. All the fakeness of it. I just want to sit and live in my head. I just want to continue talking to myself. That is all i can do now. I am my own friend when i need one. Lies. Hurt. Deceit. Bluff. Like. Hate. Anger. Lost.
WHO AM I?!?!?!?!?
where are my friends? Where are they? in my head. in my head. in my head.
Each time i talk to my friend my spirit jumps and reaches for the sky. Everytime.....
And so life goes on....
Note to readers : I apologise for my sudden burst of insanity. Probably caused by the previous post and the songs i am listening to. Or maybe it is just what i feel. just maybe. Anyways, i wrote a story that time and submitted it for fun at the CJC dunno what creative writing thingy 'cos each class was suppose to have one story and one poem. Each LIT class.
This is the story....
Tittle: Saying Goodbye
It was nearing the wee hours of the night, the howling of the wind filled the air and the rusting of the leaves left much to be desired of this atmosphere. It was second nature by now to stand for hours staring at the picture of his love. He had loved her so deeply that it had left a void in him when she left. His cries of questions filled his mind; ‘Why did she leave me?’ ‘What have I done to let you take her away?’ ‘Why couldn’t it be me instead?’ Thoughts of taking his life had gone through his mind a thousand times a day, but they left as fast as they appeared. It was never going to be the same again.
He felt the bars coming up around him, entrapping him in his body. He could feel him losing his grip on the physical world, and soon enough he would be lost forever….
Making his way home from the cemetery as the moon hung high in the sky, he saw a tall man standing in front of him, eyes full of warmth and love, something which was now a strange look to him. The man stared at him looking as though his life was an open book. Maybe his life was an open book; every newspaper had published the death of his wife and the toll it took on him.
He took a glance at the man and moved pass him smoothly, leaving that stranger under the light from the lamp post. Kent continued his walk into the darkness of the alleyway. The smell of the garbage surrounding him filled his mind, and all he wanted to do was to leave that place and never return. But as he continued his walk away from the alley, he realized that the street lights which would have normally shone brightly on his street were now gone leaving behind a thick canopy of darkness. Ignoring the cold that was growing by the second, he continued his walk home, his footsteps in perfect rhythm.
As he stood in front of his door, he reached into his pocket fishing his keys among the week old gum and receipts. The jingling of the keys echoed through the air. Wanting to get in out of the cold, he rushed to insert the keys but the more he hurried himself the more he fumbled with the keys. Then out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a small light which shone brightly cutting through the darkness like a knife. Kent turned his head towards the source as he squinted his eyes trying to figure out who it was standing across the street from his house holding an oil lamp. What he saw was a familiar face; the face of the tall man he had walked passed earlier on. A deep slash was apparent on the stranger’s hand and the blood flowed from his hand onto the lamp like lava. A smile was plastered on the stranger’s face. Kent hurried into his house as the door unlocked, slamming the door behind him. ‘I am going mad. I have finally lost it.’ He said to himself thinking he was losing his mind. He had wanted to give up on life when Lolo died, but he knew he had responsibilities and he could not be selfish to just take his life leaving sorrow for others. Maybe he had died. Maybe he was already dead. He knew he was not himself anymore. He could barely concentrate at work thinking about the good times his life with Lolo had presented. He would stare at the wall of his corner in the office blankly all day, even receiving threats from his boss to fire him if he continued on that way. Work went undone; life went on everyday like a continuous cycle of torture. He loved her, yet he hated what her leaving him had done to him.
Taking a deep breath, he walked towards the kitchen, poured himself a cup of water and made his way towards the bedroom where he dropped himself onto the bed drifting off into the land of dreams.
A bright light woke him up and his eyes opened looking towards the window where the intense sun rays peeped through. He had decided to do something different today since it was Sunday. Kent made his way to the toilet, and staring at him through the looking glass was a man with week old stubble forming on his smooth and flawless face.
Breathing in the surrounding fresh air, Kent stretched himself on his porch preparing for his run through the park today, revisiting those afternoons with him and Lolo taking a walk through the park. But, along his way, he saw that man from the previous night, now with bruises and cuts on his legs as well as arms looking straight at him. Kent ran up to the man.
“Who are you and why are you following me?” Kent demanded.
But the reply he got was silence. A smile formed on the man’s face and he turned and walked away. Kent feeling that he was not in the mood to pick a fight just shouted after the man “I don’t want to see you near me again, so STOP following me!” and made his way to the park. Once at the park, Kent sat on a bench resting his legs. It was his first run after Lolo’s death. It had been two years since he last saw her face, the look in her eye and the feel of her touch. Kent shook his head trying to clear his mind of Lolo, but it was no use, no matter how hard he tried, his mind would naturally drift back to her.
“Hello”
Kent was brought out of his thoughts by the greeting of a man. He turned his head to look behind to see where those words came from. Kent jumped away from the bench exclaiming, “ I thought I told you to leave me alone. Maybe you would like to tell me why the hell are you following me around?!”
“Hello” was the reply he got out of the man. The man was baring a cut on his eyes as well this time, but the smile was still there. Kent dug into his mind trying to remember why this man looked so familiar, but he came up dry. Deciding that this stranger was most likely a nut case, he walked away and continued with his jog.
It was closing afternoon and his stomach was demanding for food, so Kent detoured and slowly walked to the nearest fast food chain. As he opened the door to the restaurant, he saw that man sitting inside staring at him through the clear glass, blood flowing from his cheeks as well this time. Kent made a dash away from the place, running past people, nearly getting knocked down by cars and almost falling to his death when he ran into a dead end at the cliffs.
Kent slowed down, his heart pounding in his chest. He turned his head to see whether the man was behind him. This was freaking him out.
“Please let it be a sick nightmare! Please!”
“Hello”
Kent lifted his head from his kneeling position. The sounds of the waves added to the tension in the air between them. He was afraid that this mad man was going to kill him. He was afraid that he was going to lose his life.
“Please don’t do anything to me. Just tell me what you want and I will get it for you.” Kent pleaded.
A spot of blood appeared on the man’s shirt, Kent stared with wide eyes. Instead of receiving a list of demands, all he got was the man taking off his shirt, making apparent the hole in his chest where the blood had came from.
The man smiled saying, “I do not want anything from you. I do not need anything from you. I have all I want. All I want is you. I want you back. This hole in my chest was created by you. You are hurting me. You are killing me. But knowing you are dying puts a smile on my face.”
“What are you talking about!? I did not kill you, and is that a threat? Are you threatening to kill me!? I do not respond to threats.”
“I will not kill you. You are killing yourself. Don’t you think I am familiar? Maybe you need a refresh of memory. Do you remember Lolo? I am sure you do. Do you remember your old self? No? I am not surprised. I AM YOU! You lost me! You forgot about me! Don’t you think you are different? I do not need to lift a finger to harm you. You forgot me. Have you wondered why I always have an extra bruise? Don’t you wonder why I have a hole in my heart? You locked yourself out. You shut yourself out. You are just a machine! You are not a person anymore. You lost your soul. You are living in a case. I on the other hand represent the past you. The you that had a soul. Some may say, I am your lost soul. But I say, I am your dead soul.”
“”I have a soul! I have not lost myself! I am not dying. Why are you doing this to me? Why?! You are lying. I am alive. I am. I am not dead. Look at me, breathing and living. You are the one who is dead. I am not dead. I am not! I am alive. I am still the same as always.”
But all he got was the smile. Kent was getting scared. He did not think that he was dead. He did not believe that he was no longer alive.
“You can think what you want to. Breath is useless without warmth. The beating of the heart is useless without blood. The body is useless without a soul. You have forgotten yourself, and you are buried too deep to save yourself. You are lost.”
Darkness surrounded Kent. The sound of the waves faded away. And the light from the sun was no longer shining. All that surrounded him is the familiar darkness that he had been living under….
“ WILLIAMS! KENT WILLIAMS!”
“What?” Kent said softly wondering what had just happened.
“Why are you dreaming during work? I told you I did not want to see it happen again. The next time I see it, I will personally walk you out of here. You hear me?!”
“Yes sir.” Kent replied and continued to do his work.
Life repeated itself in a cycle; wake up, work, think of Lolo, visit Lolo’s grave, grief, sleep, wake up, work… It had been the same for the past two years and it never changed until the day Kent died of a strange illness. Until the day, Kent just lost his heartbeat, as though as his soul just disappeared….
Sometimes, one may think that they are always in control or act brave. Pretend to be okay when they never are. Sometimes, people just hold on to things and never let go. It is the way life is. This time, instead of saying goodbye to life, life says goodbye to you instead.
-end-
There is no chance i can win(not that i wrote it to win). But i felt great after i wrote it. It made me feel like last time. Write and write and write and laugh and laugh and laugh and read and read and read. Interesting eh? How people can change to much. I dun write now, barely read, and laugh when there is a reason to and not when there is nth to laugh at.
