A level results will be out on 1st of march and i am as scared as ever. Nightmares, my imgaination running wild plus the fear of it all is starting to get to me.
I wonder if life is just this big crazy journey that brings you happiness so that it can take it away for you to feel sadness only to give it back to you so that you know at the very least, you have a heart and the life to even feel.
This post is going to be very personal, i am going to write about what i feel and how i feel each day. So if you dont want to know, i'd advise you to stop reading the rest of the post.
Loneliness.
A single word.
It kinda speaks for itself. Something that everyone feels at least in one point of time in their life.
I feel it. I feel it right now, every single minute when i start to think. That is why id rather occupy myself.
I think i am crazy. Or at least partially.
I have no idea who i am, as in who i really am. I am aimless.
I have no thoughts of the future, i am stuck in the past. That the best thing, the past is gone now. Sometimes i wonder if it was all just a dream. A happy one. When i close my eyes to remmeber the past, to remember what it felt like to have people around me, i feel happy. But the instant my eyes opens up, i see a wall that does not want to move.
I keep telling myself, leave the past get on with life. I mean, whats to say that i cant have both?
One way that i end up dealing with the loneliness and fear is to talk to myself. To convince myself, i end up arguing with myself. So much so that i get so angry that i just want to stop thinking all together and forget.
Why do i like to watch shows?
Not course they are just interesting but so that i can imagine them to be real, feel what the characters are feeling and to forget who i am.
It keeps my company.
I'd rather imagine than to realise how much i hate myself at times.
I am a bunch of contradictions.
I am crazy to say the least.
Do you know something?
At night, when my dad goes out, i would enjoy myself, but then the fear would start to settle in. My eyes would keep checking the time every 15 minutes, anticipating him coming home. But before he does, i would make sure my door is locked so stop him from coming in. Anutie fe is asleep on the floor, the lights are off cept for my nightlight.
And then when i hear my dad's footsteps outside near my room, i would be absolutely silent. I would go onto the bed and sit, my knees to my chest. And just pull the blanket over my head, off my bedside light and just wait. Wait for him to fall asleep. Sometimes i dare not even breathe.
You know how that feels?
Maybe you do.
The fear.
The loneliness.
The funny thing is that, get this, he cannot see through the door and would not be able to hear me breathing so why am i so afraid?
My maid is in the room so how can i feel lonely?
Questions and answers. Isn't that just the fun part of life.
I am afraid of my dad cos he comes back drunk. He will not hit us or anything, but he is like a timebomb.
Everytime i am with him, i end up having to be so careful of what i say.
I must make sure
no. 1) it is positive
2) that no matter how he sees it it is a good thing
3) i have to think and then pick out any errors in what i am about to say
4) make sure it is relevant no rubbish
5) no rude words
6) understand my dad and think like he does to know what he would reply and feel like.
It is tiring.
Like playing this game.
I love my dad, but sometimes it is just so tiring that i want to say that i give up talking to him.
Even the songs that we hear must be stuff that he likes, or else we will get a scolding.
When he is in a bad mood i make sure the music in the car is soothing so as not to make him angry.
Even the surrounding has to be right or else he will blow up easily.
tired.
but my dad is a lonely guy cos of this.
I have this habit of copying others.
Not get the stuff that they get but more like, act like the way they act.
Sometimes i try to get into the mind of a kid, i pretend to eat like them.
Getting food all over my mouth while eating cos afterall, babies cant eat all that well and properly.
I do that cos it is fun, nice to know that i can pretend to be a kid again, and u know what? eating that way makes the food taste sweeter somehow.
You should try it.
P.S: dont try it if u are hungry cos babies eat real slow and in very very small spoons.
It took my half an hour to eat a bowl of porridge that way. fun though! haha
I like to pick the interesting points that they have, for instance the way they speak. i would then speak that way after finding the basic pathern. of course i cant *be* them, i just *try* to.
I copy the way they walk to see why they walk that way.
I see them eat some stuff and then i will end up wanting to eat it too and finally when i eat it, i try to eat it the way they did. haha, crazy right?
but it is all a big game to me.
keep me busy.
One thing that i remember from being a toddler was that i loved the feel of the net against my skin in the playpen. i would stick my face in it then stick my tongue out (gross i know) or i would just push my hand against the net.
i can just imagine the smell now, smell of safety ( and the stinky net ^^)
btw, one more weird thing i did last time, i saw a dog drinking water from a bowl on tv and i tried doing that, i poured water in a bowl then drank it. got my face partially wet, but the experince was really entertaining. the view of the water so close made it really relaxing. and kinda fustrating cos it takes forever to drink and i end up being so thirsty at the end of it all. haha
Well, that is just what i do to keep myself company.
that's just plain old weird me.
but i guess you probably do it to. i'd like to know that i am not the only one. haha
btw, even when i am working at the jewellery store, i pretend that i am working at coffee bean or smth, then make drinks the way i see it. it is so fun!! go try it. the spoon and all. hahahaha.
Now all i have to do is choose what i really want to study.
Businees or Visual Arts related stuff?
Oh one more thing, dont you like the feeling of not being alone, the warmth you feel and the happiness. hope? to be able to trust someone with urself so fully. would be great.
Well i would imagine that it would be that way.
But the thing about imagining it, at the end of the day you cant touch it. it is not real, it is like a temporary sedative. That is why i like to fall asleep. Dreams would be more real that way. I can close my eyes and just imagine what i want. Of course when i really sleep i cant control my thoughts anymore, but giving the jumpstart for the thoughts is good enough.
p.s.: just me typing like u are there talking to you even refering to you though i have no idea who you are is nuts in my opinion. but being nuts makes me human cos we akk are. lol.
well then, writing in this blog made me feel a whole lot better, at least i know that i am not alone.
nighty night peeps! and sweetest dreams!
